Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bozos, Blinkers, Make-Up and a Fork…

This all happens to me a lot more often than should be cosmically possible: I’m driving along a four lane thoroughfare on my way into or out of town. Up ahead I can see the rough outline of what appears to be Bozo driving a car on fire in the left lane travelling much slower than mine. The left turn signal is flashing lazily and unless they are going to enter the grass median they’ve gone as far left as they can go without making World’s Dumbest. A mile later the picture is clear: Bozo is 94, 4 feet 2, and looking through the steering wheel while struggling to reach the gas. This land yacht has three ridiculously long CB antennas needling skyward through the white smoke billowing from under the hood. It rolls over the roof down the trunk and mixes in a mesmerizing swirl with the black smoke belching from the rear. The antennas flex like fishing poles in the turbulence giving the illusion that it is actually trolling on land. As I approach on the right (think dusty desert scene from Mad Max) I accelerate past the mess and am instantly assaulted by a noxious mix of the sound of a Sherman tank and the smell of burning dirty laundry. I shoot a disbelieving glance and consider reaching out to flick shut the open gas door. This pea-green smoke machine can’t possibly accomplish more than 5 miles to the gallon and really couldn’t make an environmentalist any angrier if it were made of Styrofoam and ran on ground dolphin.

I guess I shouldn’t complain too loudly. Driving around oblivious to the world has effectively given the rest of us the opportunity to identify them by their obvious lack of skills and trademark blinker, open gas door, smoke screen, etc. Without these identifiers our safety might be further compromised. So, thanks for the heads-up, I suppose.

One morning about two weeks ago, while driving down a back road, I learned that driving while drunk apparently exhibits the exact same signature erratic pattern as driving while eating an omelet. An over-sized pick-up truck in front of me dropped two tires off the road and over steered into oncoming traffic. I squinted in the sun and looked for the outline of Bozo; and as expected, there it was – the hair, the skills, the comedic approach to my safety. A rusted 90’s Whirlpool washer slid from one side of the truck bed to the other with violent, unrestrained abandon; and to my surprise a black dog leapt into the air barely avoiding the rebounding appliance. I watched in disbelief at the next traffic light as this moron finished an omelet – with a fork. He tossed what was left on the plate (by my calculation; a small pile of chopped tomato and two pieces of bacon) and… the fork… through the sliding rear window and into the dog’s face. The dog ate what may very well have been its last meal as the light turned green. The truck left and the paper plate flipped out under my car as I swerved to avoid getting omelet in my grille.

Look, a lot of competent people eat when they drive; Butterfingers, French fries, Frappuccinos (yeah that’s right, Muffy; if it has sugar, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream it’s almost a sundae – I round up – it’s eating) … but generally mobile food is either finger food or sucked through a straw… hardly considered dining and driving… but when you can’t hold your meal you’re either eating in the wrong place or driving at the wrong time. I would argue if you’ve even considered eating with a fork off a plate on the passenger seat anytime is the wrong time for you to drive – with or without the food.

Then there are the minor offenders – Bozo’s understudies. These are the 15 MPH under the speed limit one unit traffic jams; the mobile cancer studies who smoke with the windows up and the kids in the car; the pompous intolerable who creeps along in front of me applying make-up while dodging bicycles and joggers; here’s a news flash – ever tried to write and drive? Why do think you’re any better with Mascara and eye shadow!?? You need to know something – you aren’t fooling anyone – we know you’ve done this when you show up looking like Braveheart. Then there are those who pull out in front of me to slow down; or who refuse to get into the left turn lane, so they turn from the middle lane; or those who sit at the bank drive-through with a dog the size of a rat on their lap. Look, if your dog is fully grown and still smaller than my cat you should be embarrassed… then fined. I want you to know that when I’m behind you at the bank I secretly pray your dog has a momentary bout with curiosity and gets sucked into the pneumatic tube. I fantasize its demise as it thumps into the teller booth like a chunked pumpkin and knocks the teller off her stool amid a cloud of urine-soaked fur and cheap suckers.

I wish I were a perfect driver, but I’m not. Which brings me to my point – I know I’m not; so I am careful to not pull out in front of you, or not drive with an animal on my lap, or not eat a full meal… with a fork… or not scoot over when you enter the highway. I will inevitably do something to someone from time to time to upset them but I apologize when I do it and it is far from purposeful or chronic. If you’re a clown, the next time you drive, do it with a slant towards the other driver and not so much towards yourself. Try to pay attention to those around you and consider if what you are doing is inconveniencing them… it’ll make you a better driver – and an all-around better human being. And if you’re reading this and driving right now by chance, put the phone down and turn off your blinker, Bozo – I’m the guy behind you laughing at the rat on your lap – and stop smiling and waving at me; I’m not saying hi.

27 comments:

  1. Hi Scoop; I came upon your blog, and oh my goodness, you are so entertaining! I don't think I've laughed so hard from someone's blog before, which earned you a new follower! People never cease to amaze me at what stunt they pull while driving. Thanks for sharing. Please check out my newly created blog as well!
    http://inquisitivethinking-melody.blogspot.com

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  2. Thank you so much for reading... I have visited your blog as well and am now following you... It is so true what you say in your latest post... cherish every second... keep it up!

    -Scoop

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  3. Ah yes the life of the Florida driver, it is as dangerous at times as life in some war zone. We have every miscreant under the sun behind the bloody wheel....
    Good luck and Godspeed.
    Oh yea and thank goodness for Taco Bell and their new double stuffed cheesy hand-held easy to eat while on I-95 burritos....no fork required.
    Cheers, Sausage.

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  4. Hey now.....thanks for following!!

    I live in Arizona and commute from a semi retirement area filled with moldy oldies and work in downtown Phoenix where pedestrians walk right out into the road against the light. Grrr...

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  5. You are funny. I don't drive yet but when our driver takes us places he yells a lot...

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  6. @Sausage - Thanks for reading and yes, I agree, the roads are a bit safer in FL with Taco Hell's hand-held fare!!!

    @Tuna - "Moldy Oldies" - LOVE it! Thanks for reading!

    @ima girl - You know I always love your input! Your driver yells because he cares about you... wear that seatbelt!

    -Scoop

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  7. Remember, though: to be considered "waving" one must use ALL of the fingers.

    Was in FL not long ago and could not get over how many examples of this very thing I personally witnesses. I live in Mpls, and while it's true we have old folks up here as well, I'd never seen so many on the road at one time...

    Pearl

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  8. @Pearl - Yes, you are so right... waving is specific... I've got to remember that. I've been down here for so long now that, well... I forget. Thanks for pointing that out. LOL...

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  9. my love is the scariest driver in the world. i am recovering from a severe accident that gave me ptsd, so i drive like a granny.

    one day, maybe papi and i will meet in the middle.

    i'm the one driving slower than everyone so that i have nobody around me :)

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  10. bbbwwwwaaaahhhahahaaaa. good times with bad drivers.
    love this post. even if the clown face pic will give me night and daymares for 4 days...
    is it odd that i want an omelette now? and a frapucinno?

    i was nearly plowed off the hiway - by a huge cadillac SUV. it blew through the stop/yield on-ramp and i saw it barreling towards me going maybe 95 mph. i cursed it's existence until i saw the driver:

    she was older than dirt, had the biggest frizziest nest of hair i ever saw, EVER, and she, too, drove looking through the gap in the steering wheel.

    and i swear to sweet baby jesush, she was the original "where's the beef" lady.

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  11. @Big a - very sorry to hear about your accident... I hope your recovery goes ahead of schedule. Traffic accidents are very serious matters - thus my concern when people are preoccupied - good luck to you!!!

    @Violet - Clowns are scary, aren't they! LOL and no, it's not odd that you want omelets and Frappuccinos... I just don't want you driving through the front of the Starbucks to get'em... as for your run-in with Bozo, well, they're everywhere... "Where's the beef?" - funny stuff!

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  12. You have an award pick it up here
    http://myhumblecollectionrumblings.blogspot.com/
    Love Stell

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  13. @Stell... I don't know what to say! Thank you so very much!! My first award... much love to you too...

    -Scoop

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  14. This is such a funny post Scoop. I admit, I have driven while eating with a fork, BUT I have never gotten into an accident because of it...
    However...
    I did have an elderly man pull out across three lanes of traffic in front of me (I was in the farthest lane going 45mph - the speed limit) and he never accelerated above 20! I swear he pulled out and then slowed down. I hit him. It was his fault. His insurance had to pay. And luckily a car dealership full of witnesses saw the whole thing.

    It just so happened that I was on my way to an appointment I had with a psychic (random, I know), and called to tell her I was running late due to the accident. After I arrived she told me that she saw a new car in my future!

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  15. @Jamie - Thanks for the comment (and the follow)... not to worry about Mr. Magoo... he's left your neck of the woods and is now driving around mine... but I suspect there's more so be careful... I assume the psychic didn't know of the accident when she advised on the new car... would've been nice to have warned you about Magoo when you made the appointment... LOL. You should write a post about psychics... I have some psychic stories... hmmm...

    -Scoop

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  16. ahaha this post was hysterical and so true. I'm not sure which part I liked best fraps = eating or dogs smaller than your cat.... The whole drive through scene had me rolling as I set that image to play in my mind.

    I came across your blog from a recent comment I saw from you on another blog... I am so glad I did!! Now following and looking forward to more great posts.

    I invite you to check mine out. Every now and then I post something worth reading.
    http://tracyrobin-soulfuljourney.blogspot.com/

    Thanks Scoop for the great read!!

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  17. @Tracy - Thanks for stumbling upon my blog... I jumped over to yours and was pleasantly surprised - I really liked the poem in the post Pondering Relationships. It was a really nice read... thanks!! I look forward to your future posts...

    -Scoop

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  18. I surely don't miss the crazy traffic, but we still have a few nutcase drivers in NZ. I think it's universal.

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  19. Thanks for checking my blog out and leaving your comment. I plan to watch the movie you suggested. What a surprise when checking out yours. Your posts are anything but boring. Love what I have read. I drive 40 miles to work and 40 miles home each day, and have met quite a few bozo's just like the ones you've written about. I love the post before this. My little collecting drawer is a box in my workroom, but your post reminds me so much of mom's collection. When she moved in with my sister and her house was sold, the buyers let me go through all her things and collect what I could. She had two kitchen drawers crammed full of things she never let go of. I kept a few of them that had memories for me too, and they are now in my own collection box. Great blog!

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  20. @Bettyl - Thank you so much for reading - I agree 100% ... it must be universal... LOL.

    @Clipped - Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate what you have said very much and am glad my post The Oracle of Corian took you down memory lane - that means more to me than you know... the fact is your post Lies, Families, and Half-Truths affected me in much the same way. Good luck with the movie - it is a good one...

    -Scoop

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  21. You write so nicely......cool! Thanks for visiting my blog and giving such a encouraging thought.

    How can I follow your blog? :(

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  22. @Mohinee - Hey there... thanks for the comment back! You can follow either or both of my blogs by clicking the "Follow" button on the sidebar. However, Google is having some issues with following right now, so you can still follow me by going to your dashboard (www.blogger.com), clicking the "add" button at the bottom, then inputting “http://scoopsrant.blogspot.com” for Scoop's Rant and then “add” again with “http://lyricalrumpus.blogspot.com” for Lyrical Rumpus (my poetry Blog)... Thanks again for the comment back and wanting to follow!

    -Scoop

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  23. Fantastically great! I loathe lol, but I did. Thanks for the great read, it was funny without being hateful. Following.

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  24. @Flip - What can I say? I am a true fan of your blog Hill Blocks View and that comment means that much more coming from you... Thanks again!!

    -Scoop

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  25. Bad drivers are constant inspiration. I like to create my own terms for frustrating driving experiences. The Race of the Idiots and The Seabiscuit Effect are just a couple. See if you can guess what those mean. :)

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  26. I can say that eating a cheeseburger while driving makes you appear just as drunk as an omlet! -Ben @ alsojaded

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  27. @Kristy - Speed Gumps, Chariots of Ire, Jurassic Prick... HEY, this is fun Kristy!

    @alsojaded - In the wrong hands cheeseburgers are VERY dangerous indeed... maybe we need a new moving violation? DWE perhaps...?

    -Scoop

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