Thursday, August 21, 2008

I see London, I see France...

These days I have pride in my country more days than not. So I cheer for our athletes “to bring home the gold.” And when the network needs to fill time, I sit attentively and listen to the special interest piece designed to get me all weepy and ready to pump my fists at the heavens for gold in the next event. I watch the athlete’s stories and I study their faces. I cry out when they fly off a beam in error, and I cry out when they fly off a beam by design. I sit in amazement at how some athletes make themselves so great and at how others even make it onto the flight to Beijing. I try to man-up and bite my lip when I hear my country’s anthem being played for a superior member of the human race and I wonder what it must be like to be a part of that time-honored podium ceremony…

I played rugby for most of my athletic career so the elegance of the Olympic medal ceremony is, well, excuse the pun but, Greek to me. If I could imagine rugby’s equivalent for you for a moment, it would most likely go something like this: a bar top instead of a podium; a bar crowd singing a very rude limerick in lieu of a formal anthem; a golden beer for a medal; and one’s own jock strap in place of the kotinos olive wreath. The only real similarity I can possibly muster (and I know it’s a stretch) between the ancient version and my rugby experience is all the nudity...

Speaking of nudity (‘cause I like to) how cool would it be to watch the Olympics play out nude like the ancient games in Greece? OK, OK. I agree – not so fast it could get ugly. But humor me. Let me talk it through…

By order of Scoop, all Olympic events are now nude. And because I control what I watch, I’ll tell you which ones I’ll watch and which ones I won’t… cause if I just go flipping on the tube without concern for this I might get an image burned into my mind that, well, burns.

First, let’s lay a couple of ground rules: no whining to me about how I’m discriminating. I’m making my choices based on aesthetic value and on what my eyes can handle, not yours; so get your own blog. No complaining that I’m forgetting the competitive value of a particular event. I watch all Olympic sports (except soccer) especially the obscure ones but it would simply change my tastes if they were nude. Don’t tell me how it would be impossible for the athletes to perform because of support provided by the equipment, clothing, etc. It’s not real, spanky, untie your panties or briefs and remember it’s my fantasy. So relax, no one really put me in charge of Olympic attire.

It might surprise you that not all men’s events would be off-limits to my eyes. But I’ll start with the ladies. I would divide the events into three categories: those I would have to watch, those I would watch with conditions, and those I wouldn’t even listen to nude – them nude, not me nude.

I would have to watch: women’s volleyball (Beach and Indoor) especially if they promise to roll around in the sand again when they win; women’s swimming (Meet and Synchronized) assuming the she-men Chinese and East German juicers of the past have been extirpated so I won’t have to watch through my fingers. A note on the synchronized events – nose plugs are considered equipment and therefore not allowed. This of course will force more above-the-surface time – point to Scoop. I would have to watch women’s diving (all events) special slow-mo coverage should be devoted to springboard – since I’m not in control of coverage, I’ll be doing this with my own remote – bring the beer. Also women’s gymnastics (trampoline) – see springboard above… Lastly, women’s field hockey – don’t knock it ‘till you watch it.

I would conditionally watch: women’s gymnastics (all other events) providing the Chinese get the 12 year olds off the mat – otherwise it’s just creepy. Equestrian (Dressing and Jumping) You say jumping, canter, piaffe and trotting. I say popcorn, peanuts, hot dogs and beer! Condition: it’s a gender-mixed event so the camera work needs to be Emmy-award-winning cautious.

I wouldn’t watch the following nude events if I were blind: women’s weightlifting OK… No. Women’s softball – sorry fans they just don’t do it for me. I don’t even find the “pretty one” pretty…

This brings us to the men – yeah, the men. Hear me out. I have my reasons for adding them to the list in a few events, very few events. I’ll divide the men into two groups: Those I’d watch with conditions, and those I wouldn’t watch.

Men’s soccer shouldn’t be a problem since players aren’t really men anyway (especially if they pronounce it futbol) besides, with the top-of-the-sky-box, fixed-omniscient camera vantage that soccer broadcasts always seem to be shot from, it would be impossible to see any soccer player’s tiny junk anyway… and, it would prove to the world everything we ruggers have known for years. Men’s Fencing (epee, sabre, and foil) would be no less interesting than I can imagine: two very frightened naked men standing at either end of a very long narrow mat, whipping their epees through the air and refusing to fight – admit it, it’s got comedic value… Men’s canoeing is one event I’d watch as long as they keep the camera at water level. Finally, Men’s swimming OK, ladies I’ll throw in Phelps et al. Phelps’ torso of a 6’8” male, legs of a 6’0” male, his size 13 flippers, oversized paddles, and double jointed body is a wonder; may as well see the rudder on this ship, right?

So there you have it. An ex-rugby player’s take on the Olympics in the nude. You know, they’re trying to bring a version of rugby back to the Olympics. Rugby was an Olympic sport for four games, but after 1924 the IOC dropped it because when the US beat France for gold in the final, the French fans, in protest, invaded the pitch. You gotta wonder though if there was something else to the story they’re not telling us… like parties… beer… or, maybe even… nudity...


  1. This one by far is my favorite blog...I have never thought about a nude olympics, and now I have. Thanks!

  2. Thanks! My pleasure. Glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Well I have to say I would love to see softball nude because most of them are lesbians and I would like to imagine them making out. Also what about the track and field events. The 110 meter hurdles (in slow-mo) or April said the marathon if you want to watch for a while but I have talked to people who have run marathons and there usually is some chaffing going on so I personally am a hurdle man.
    As for men's sport I could watch water polo. No below water camera views though....

  4. Nude Olympics!!!! What a concept. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on Track & Field. Javlin..... That would hurt. Then there's Pole Vault. Flat chested women.. no worries. Men could be a problem.

  5. Truly amazing bro! Your originality is untouchable. You are by far one of the greatest minds I have ever had the pleasure of coming into contact with. It is not just this blog that confirms that, it is our everyday conversations that concretes that fact in my mind. I know this is JUST about nudity in the Olympics and it is meant as a comedic piece, but it truly is one of a kind.

  6. My computer is up and running again so you can't start posting some more.

  7. I believe Sam meant "you CAN start posting more" , as if the scoops rant is meant solely for him...LOL . Its not like he can't just pick up the bloody iPhone to check it. After all it is an extension of his hand! Haha

  8. A nude Olympics, eh? Hmmmm. I say if the Summer games go nude, then the Winter games should, too!!!

  9. Sure, until someone gets all sweaty and sticks to the outside of their bobsled at 110+km/hr... Wait, that's damn funny stuff... I'm in, you've got my vote!